How To Deal With Critical People Before They Shame You
How Criticism Shamed Me & How I Am Now Immune To It's Toxic Sting
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Hi buddies. This is your weekly dose of Ethical Badass Tales.
Today we talk critically about criticism.
One can live with anything, but it is difficult to live without a defined sense of self.
And with a feeling that you are an afterthought in a Universe that sees no place for your being, dented by criticism.
For many years I was afflicted by the (I wish not so) common aliment called self-loathing.
I have history.
BPD (borderline personality disorder), anxiety, depression & self-loathing had made their homes in my birth family, along with alienating poverty. Nestled among them I learnt early that I should not have a sense of who I was or aspire to any sense of belonging. To love or accept myself is to love someone undeserving, common place & flawed. My feelings did not matter but I had to be wary of hurting anyone else’s. No surprises that the exact opposite happened. I became easily shamed, a sensitive child who nursed wounds that refused to heal.
I was unaware at the time that everyone deals with personal demons.
And not everybody is kind.
Given my circumstances I was doing my best, rather exceling at stuff I did. That ticked off a few people. They could not see somebody struggling to make her life work. I was a threat because I was eager to prove myself. So, they used me as a punching bag. They were satisfied knowing I would collapse in the face of criticism.
Take my body image.
For a long while I thought I was ugly.
I refused to look in mirrors because they made me feel worse. People sensed that & some had a field day criticizing what they saw. I was short, too thin, looked funny, had crooked teeth, laughed too loud, wasn’t attractive to boys, too jumpy, too enthusiastic, weird, ridiculous, lost my temper quick or spoke too loudly. I internalized it all. The wounds festered over time & made me weak, hurt & on the brink of a nervous breakdown.
Two years ago I did have a breakdown.
I had two choices- step into the abyss or turn my life around. I chose the latter. I am feeling a whole lot better.
I also deal with criticism a whole lot better.
I don’t know if you have been through something similar so can relate. I hope not for your sake. But the truth is even if you have had a relatively stable life, you are bound to have been affected by criticism at some point. That is what makes us, you and me, human.
But how do you react when someone is critical of you? These worked for me.
You have a choice. You need not take the criticism personally.
When you think about it, the criticism is not about you at all. It is about the person who criticizes you. If you are affected by it, you agree with your critique.
You see, others grow up with a set of rules different from the ones you know. What is right in your mind may be wrong or offensive to them because it attacks their beliefs that stem from their life rules. In addition, people are overwhelmed by shit that may be going on in their lives. When you say, do or even be something at odds with their beliefs it ticks them off.
Their shit starts to play up & they criticize. I also feel if you have low self-esteem, they target you exclusively so they can feel good when you are dragged down. It has probably been a while since they felt good about something. Even while they criticize you, they may secretly admire you for your opinion or behavior.
I withered for years under harsh criticism. Now I know I only awoke my critiques’ demons.
So, in my opinion the best reaction is no reaction at all when your critique wants to play a power game. That way they don’t get the satisfaction of having got to you.
This works even better for me. In addition to a non-reaction, I look the person straight in the eye, so they know I am not affected.
Agreed, this is not the only way to deal with criticism. Sometimes we do need to act in the moment.
If the criticism is harsh, I ask my critique if they had a bad day because it seems like they want to use me as a punching bag. I believe this may help my critique deal with their issues objectively. I mean think about it. It will awaken them to their reality. They may even be embarrassed & apologize.
We always have the option of keeping a distance.
I did this. I had to cut off a whole bunch of people from my life. And it feels a whole lot better too! Some were close relatives. I made it clear that they had been unpleasant to me for long enough. I even hinted to some of them that they may want to get help.
When you agree with the criticism it chips away at a part of you that was good & whole. Meet criticism with the kindness of a non-reaction & see the chipped part become whole again.
You cannot control other people but what you can do is take control of your response.
How you react to a situation determines how it will serve you for the best.