How To Tackle The Shame That Makes You Irrationally Angry
And how to stop your anger from destroying those close to you
Allura — Illustration by Vijay Verma (blush.design)
Hello splendid Tuesday!
Here I come! Tuesdays my schedule is crazier than the rest of the week because my son has his football practice. So I wanted a 15-minute break from my crazy routine. I chose 80’s music & top of my charts was ‘Material Girl’ by Madonna.
Which made me think of her life which wasn’t all roses. She was once married to Sean Penn.
Madonna & Sean Penn
You would have thought the guy would worship the earth she trod on. I mean, most of the rest of the world did. But no, Sean Penn decides to do the crazies. He was abusive of Madonna & they eventually filed for divorce.
What made Sean Penn a guy who had everything going for him, a loose cannon?
He was no different from you, me & the rest of us when it came to handling his issues. He had a bad temper. He would lose his cool often & irrationally.
I often become irrationally angry at those closest to me too. There, I was finally able to confess my cringe-worthy habit! That was easy!
When I say those closest to me, I mean immediate family & friends as well as those who work for me or with me. Those who I know won’t fight back.
I can see you have started to judge me.
But are you really that different from me?
All of us suffer to a degree from the human condition of treating those physically closest to us with lesser caution. But when we suffer through life & start to abuse them out of anger we need to step back.
If you often get irrationally angry with those who take it, what could be the reason behind your temper?
Your anger could be a cover for shame. Shame often originates in childhood. Anger is it’s by-product in adulthood. If your primary caregivers were harsh & judgmental you grow up feeling unworthy. You are wounded & shamed by your perceived shortcomings.
When you face difficult situations, your self-abusive streak pushes you to get irrationally angry.
You internalize shame feeling you are not good enough. It can make you defensive, so you lash out.
Strangely, when you are consumed by rage you are unable to understand yourself. But you think thoughts at the moment like ‘they should understand’, ‘they are responsible’ or ‘why should they have it easy when I have it tough?’
Deep down you know your anger is misdirected.
Hurting those close to you is your way of punishing yourself for your perceived inadequacies, because it breaks your heart every time you do it.
My hand drawn illustration
Look at the ‘Rings of Trust.’
You often get irrationally angry at the person closest to you.
Who is you.
The ‘Rings of Trust’ also tell us that we are usually kind to strangers. We don’t trust them enough to be mean to them.
How do you deal with the shame that makes you irrationally angry?
After your anger episode is over & you’ve had a chance to cool down, shame & regret are heaped on the pile of shame you are already sitting on.
You deserve better.
The good news is when you work on the shame your anger will dissipate over time.
You can start with an apology for becoming irrationally angry.
Anger will turn allies into enemies, so it is better to first apologize, without needlessly long explanations.
Learning to express at the moment.
It may not be easy for you to talk like your feelings matter. But they do. You matter & your emotions matter. You have every right to express your displeasure at the moment in rational ways. You can use a pattern interrupt to do that before your anger takes you over.
A pattern interrupt is akin to someone else slapping you out of your state.
I pinch myself slightly in the arm to create my pattern interrupt. See what works for you. You can ask for some alone time to process your thoughts and then address them to the person who triggered you.
Journaling
There is always a pattern of anger. What triggers you once will trigger you again. This is because deep down a value of yours has been breached in the moment. When you know what makes you irrationally angry you can journal the patterns & work on addressing the triggers.
You need to be compassionate toward you.
It is normal to feel inadequate & shamed after your anger episode ends. But judgment is only your automatic reaction from being judged for years. Try self-compassion instead. Your anger does not define you. You are a complete & magical human in your own special way. Don’t feel guilty for feeling self-compassion. Choose forgiveness over punishing yourself.
Self-compassion meditation made a lot of difference to me. See if it helps you.
Don’t bottle up the shame.
If you can open up to someone trusted, talk about your past. Opening up will help you release shame. If you don’t trust anyone enough, you can talk to a coach. I found writing to be therapeutic in tackling moments when I am irrationally angry.
When you embrace your fragile heart, you will discover the beautiful person hidden beneath your layers of anger.
I am a freelance writer for whom writing has been a forever passion & now a mission. I write to light the spark in your business blogs. If you are an ordinary brand with extraordinary values, we are the right fit for each other. Get in touch with me for your business’s writing needs.