The Shocking Reason You Lose An Argument & How To Change Your Story
Know this easy technique to win arguments & keep friendships
This is the reason I often lose an argument & break a friendship.
I did it again yesterday. It is not something I am proud of but I am trying to get a handle on my argumentative streak. When I pick a side to argue I am passionate about my case. I always speak from facts. I can even say that my line of reasoning is sound. But it doesn’t matter.
I lose an argument despite building a strong case in its favor.
I also put my friendships in jeopardy when I argue with a friend. I don’t think arguing is bad per se. When we argue it shows that we have picked a cause based on our values.
I did discover that all that arguing was harming my mental health because:
I sometimes argue to be right.
When I argue I blindly attack other people’s identities.
If you are anything like me you have gone through the rigmarole. I am writing about a sensitive spot so forgive my transgressions. If you’ve lost an argument to being right (the irony) what do you think goes wrong in this common human urge to pick a side?
We lose an argument when we argue to be right.
And not to support a cause. We are human and stuck in the human failing of wanting to prove a point. When our urge to be right overpowers our kind & rational side, I think we blindside the other person in an argument. How we must come across as egotists from their point of view!
Arguing to be right is the kind of ego that sweeps away everything in its path & makes the other person feel unfairly attacked! They attack back to defend their ego! As I see it, a vicious battle of conceit where no one wins & the argument turns personal! Of course, it erodes the friendship. I don’t know about you, but I’ve lost a lot of friends when I lose an argument. Kind of sucks.
Why do you think this ego attack happens often though?
Could it be because we attack people’s identities when we argue?
People’s identities are precious to them because their identities are connected to their beliefs.
Most of us build our belief systems & from it our identities in childhood, don’t we? We pick up beliefs from those who influence our childhood the most- parents, older siblings, other relatives & teachers.
It’s easy now for me to see why people lose an argument when they challenge beliefs.
We humans believe to find meaning. We believe to belong. Our beliefs help us cling to our lineage, our ancestry & our institutions. We use a belief to choose partners, choose our tribe & choose our vocations.
Questioning someone’s beliefs is like telling them their ancestors survived by luck, not by grit, determination & strength of mind as they believe & would have us believe.
Though I do think others’ misplaced beliefs may stand in the way of our progress, so we need to challenge them by arguing without offending them.
Of course, I suck at not offending when I argue but now I try this. Sometimes it works like how it worked unexpectedly with a co-runner.
The trick I found out is to acknowledge the other person’s point of view. And to ask curious neutral questions about their belief. Our questions may help them retrace their steps to when they started to believe staunchly. And guess what? I find that in the process they argue themselves out of what they believe in.
The time I won an argument with a co-runner.
I have a frisky toddler who doesn’t let me sleep until midnight. This means I get about five or six (if I am lucky) hours of sleep a day. My friend claimed that if I don’t sleep well before a run, it could affect my health. But the exercise did help me sleep better, so I was compromising on sleep quantity, but I just got in better quality. This means until I get more data that proves my co-runner is right, the run is what I am going to do!
I am digressing. This is how I managed not to lose an argument with him. At the cost of sounding full of myself, I think I handled it really well! I asked him questions about the person he loves best- himself. How did he manage on the days he couldn’t sleep well? He even ran a marathon after pulling a late night at work! That was a pathbreaking feat! How did he feel later?
Now I think a belief is just an anchor we hold onto because it comforts us.
But what if, we don’t seek anchors that hold us to shores but search the unknown of vast blue seas? We could shed the beliefs that tie us to shores to conquer oceans.
I am a freelance writer who likes to write about relationships. You can see more of my work on my website. If you are a Life coach who wishes to start a blog, you may consider hiring me to write for you. To know more talk here.